Meet Me in the Middle

So, I couldn’t sleep last night and we sleep with the television on – most of the time it’s on HGTV. I caught a couple of episodes of House Hunters and listened as the couples viewed homes and talked about what they liked, what they didn’t like and finally compromised on the one home that met most of the characteristics they were looking for in a long-term home. It got me to thinking about compromise. As #NewOldBae and I near our third year of marriage, compromise has become huge in our relationship and the way we get through our disagreements.

When I think about what marriage is - a journey that brings together two unique individuals with our own backgrounds, preferences, and perspectives - I think about #NewOldBae and I. While love is definitely the foundation, compromise is the cement holding it all together. The famous Gershwin song, “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off,” playfully captures the frustrations and quirks that couples face when their differences come to light: “You like tomato and I like tomahto, You like potato and I like potahto.” Through humor, the song underscores a larger truth - compromise is not just inevitable in marriage; it’s truly essential.

I may have mentioned in previous posts that #NewOldBae is a writer – a good one at that. It’s one of our most commonalities. He’s written a book that is more of a series, and the first one has been published (we're working on the second one). The stories are gritty street novels (think about 50 Cent’s Power Universe) and he strongly feels that they are movie/television series material. While I feel the same, he has been very anxious to get them into the hands of someone that can make it happen – so much so, to the detriment of our livelihoods.

In my day job, I educate employees at my organization about scams. #NewOldBae has been so eager to “sign an exclusive deal” with someone to prepare and produce his novels for the screen (big or little) that he’s done some things that have put our financials at risk. I typically do not find out about things until they go sideways, and it has caused a bit of strife.

“Marriage is about compromise; it’s about doing something for the other person, even when you don’t want to. - Nicholas Sparks

I was having a deep conversation with a close friend who's also an ex-business partner - she reminded me of the time in my life when I took risks. As I’ve gotten older, the adventurer in me is just not as prevalent anymore. I’m at the age where I’m thinking about preparing for retirement and making sure that we will have what we need when we’re not working anymore. #NewOldBae is a risk taker and our differences in how we make decisions with our spare money often sends us down the path of disagreement.

After the conversation with my friend, I realized that that I need to compromise, lean into #NewOldBae’s dreams a bit and come out of my safety zone some. He is always compromising for me and not going after the things that he wants to satisfy me and keep me in that safety zone that I’m so comfortable in – and when I really think about it, how fair is that?

“Marriage involves compromise, sacrifice – and on occasion – a bit of suffering.” - Lynn Toler

Compromise, at its core, is about give and take. It’s finding a middle ground where both partners can feel heard, respected, and valued.  I have to find some comfortability in taking a risk that could possibly secure our future more than my investments and 401k – and I’m working on it. Compromising allows us to bridge the gap between differing desires and opinions. It means that neither of us is always right - but we work towards what is right for our marriage.

#NewOldBae and I married late in life, and we were already set in our ways. But this compromise thing requires a set of skills that we may not have used before - humility, patience, and often a sense of humor. We laugh at ourselves a lot! It helps to diffuse tension and make the compromise easier to reach.

At the end of the day, we remember why we got married and we start with communication and empathy – acknowledging the sacrifices made by the both of us. We actively listen to each other, validate our feelings, and express our own needs - creating an environment where compromise is possible.

“Compromise is not about losing. It is about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do.” - Donna Martini

We know that our marriage will not be free from conflict, but we are learning to be adept at resolving it. Marriage is not about winning - it's about doing life together through the good times and bad times. At almost three years in, we are still learning, but we’re willing to do the work and enjoy the life that we’re building – together.

Until the next time…thanks for listening!

Wine sponsored by @renegadelemonadewine (Instagram)

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